Priceless Gifts

Growing up I was given permission to be myself. I had the freedom to imagine, say what I felt and be creative. I didn’t have to fit a certain mold or accomplish unrealistic goals. I simply got to be a kid…a respectful well adjusted kid.

We didn’t have cable and only received 3 TV channels (when the weather cooperated). We didn’t own any movies, a computer or Video games. We never had babysitters aside from grandparents and didn’t eat fast food. Our nearest neighbor was miles away and we listened to sweet country silence in our front yard.

My parents never had to worry about traffic or sidewalks. We picked our vegetables from a garden and 95% of our meat was wild game. We had acres to run and played outside almost every day. We made up games utilizing rocks, dirt, frogs, turtles and our imaginations. We ate dinner together every night as a family.

Never once did I feel that I missed out on anything.

My parents didn’t get wrapped up in the who’s who game or my kid is better than your kid. They were too busy being parents. They didn’t go to college because they were too busy learning. They worked ten times harder to get half as far and I am so proud of them for that.

By taking the time to teach your children what really matters in life you give them the best gift. I am so thankful my parents took the time to be just that…parents. They didn’t take the easy road out. They didn’t pawn us off on sitters and electronic items. They talked, sang, taught, drew, walked, played, prayed, loved, kissed, hugged, laughed, cried, cooked, spanked, grounded, yelled, guided, worked, smiled, read, created, planned, budgeted, built and the list goes on and on.

They were parents all the time and friends when they needed to be…not the other way around. It’s impossible to put a roof on a home with no walls or build walls with no foundation. Take the time to build your family home brick by brick and enjoy the stable refuge you create.

Sugar and Spice

Is this what little girls are made of? I certainly try to be a sweet person. I smile, hold doors and say "Thank you" often. I do nice things for friends unexpectedly and try my best to follow the Golden Rule. I strive to be a good person...and for the most part, feel that I am but I am not afraid to THROW DOWN!

I got into a fight in a Shopping Mall Parking lot. A woman jumped me and in turn I took self defense very seriously. It was over a parking spot of all things! I bet she was even more upset over that piece of pavement when it was imbedded in her face. Poor Girl.

In first grade I told a girl that I had a fist and I knew how to use it. She punched me right after I said that. Ouch.

When I was 9 a 14 year old boy was picking on me. He threw a snowball at my brand new Genuine Leather Bomber Jacket that I had just gotten of Lay-a-way from Wal-mart. With a little help, he got an up-close look at the shiny bumper of a 1989 pick up truck. His nose never looked quite the same.

Never start a fight…but don’t be afraid to finish one. Even if you are in a skirt.

Leaky Faucet

Who doesn’t love to have fun? Especially living in Michigan, I jump at the chance to enjoy the sweet sunshine. A few years ago I was browsing through Sams Club. As I maneuvered around economy size barrels of Mayonnaise and Mullets my eyes were blinded by a beautiful sight. There she was...a fourteen foot trampoline with my name written all over it! The blue padding circling the black mesh was a bull’s-eye for fun, and I couldn’t wait to bring it home.

I was like a child on Christmas morning as I raced to be the first to try it out. My excitement soon turned to uncomfort. With the first jump I realized "Houston, we have a problem!" I couldn’t control my bladder. With every jump, my poor Brittany (read the previous blog :-)) tried her best to control herself with out any luck.

As it turns out, my sisters had the same problem. Isn't that strange? We all had such fun as children on trampolines but now as adults we were in need of a diaper change. So, unless your seven or wear diapers save your money and your dignity!

Do you Ever Wonder Why?

Why isn't the number eleven pronounced onety-one?

What was the best thing, before the invention of sliced bread?

How cruel is it to have and "S" in the word Lisp?

Why does the Easter Bunny leave eggs? Being a rabbit he should leave carrots or something.

I never understood why we yell "heads up" when we need someone to duck.

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

It's amazing that we put a man on the moon before wheels on luggage.

You know how people point to their wrist to ask what time it is. Wouldn't it be funny if they pointed to their crotch to ask where the restroom is!

Just Thinking

I am a dreamer. My mind wanders far away to distant mystical lands. Often I have to reel it back in like the Bass my father recently caught from his kayak. Some of my thoughts are funny, some weird, some really off the wall. As strange as they may be, I love to share!

Are young men really afraid of commitment. Are they really that afraid to grow up? If so, they most certainly would not want to date a woman with roots firmly planted in her town or job right? No home, no children, no debt, no crazy ex's. So why don't more women take out Personal Ads that read; Young, Beautiful, Childless & Homeless. She would have guys lining up to date her! She could bring her "will work for food" sign to dinner. And he wouldn’t have to worry about not calling, because she doesn’t own a phone. She does however have a really roomy tent! Oh-la-la!

I work for a bank. A large bank. A customer called me and asked to apply for a loan. A large loan. When I asked her what type of loan she needed to apply for she referred to it as an "insecure loan". I told her we didn’t have any loans with low self esteem; however we did offer an "unsecured loan". I really hope she uses that money on education.

A man was driving at night with sunglasses on. What a weirdo right? It was dark for petes sake! That’s what I said. Then apologetically I scolded myself for the rude comment. What if he was blind?...Then I remembered that he was driving.

I have these favorite sweat pants. They have a few holes located on the left leg at the very bottom. I was wearing them once on a stationary bike when the wheel took a large bite out of my pants. It didn’t spit them out right away either! It took some finagling, but once I released my pants from the jaws of the bike they were most certainly wounded. Poor things. I still however wear them, on Sundays...because they are holy. Get it?! I got really excited as I often do about something small. To illustrate my excitement I started to execute the popular 80's dance move the Running Man. Unfortunately my big toe got caught in the hole of my pant and I face planted into the floor. It was certainly not my best performance.

My dog. Probably the cutest little thing you have ever seen. Have you ever noticed when you blow in a dogs face they freak out, but when they are riding in a car they stick their head out the window? Why is that?

Brittany's Beware!

I am sure you all heard about Brittany Spears showing all her goodies a few months back right? She was getting out of a limo with no fruits in her loom! After that I started lovingly referring to my girly parts as "My Brittany".

So a few weeks ago my phone rings. (PS, I have a loaner phone right now that resembles something from the early 90's. Possibly something Zach Morris from "Saved by the Bell" would own.)

I answer my phone only to hear my father laughing hysterically. He proceeded to tell me that while driving he saw the funniest license plate cover. The commuter obviously had pet belonging to the Spaniel Breed, a Brittany. The Plate cover read..."My Brittany is smarter than your Honor Roll Student!"

I have to say, though I have never met her Dog, I take pride in the IQ of my own Brittany. My Brittany has made some wise decisions over the years. In fact, I would put money on my Brittany any day.

Party Crashing

Imagine yourself driving down a scenic country road. Winding every few hundred feet, admiring the green pastures for miles ahead, with wild flowers lining the one lane of asphalt? Then all of a sudden you spot a quaint family farm house to your left. Children are playing in the yard, while the adults are sitting around the crackling fire. They tell stories of their youth in between bites of warm roasted marshmallow.

As the smell of wood smoke left my nose a few miles up the road My father asked,” Do you ever want to just crash a party?"

And so the evening progresses. We arrive at our destination. A little Mexican restaurant in a little town, with a little family...and a lot of Tequila. As the endless margarita glass keeps mysteriously filling itself to the top I realize that I am a little too loud, a little too crazy...a little too late! The sweet waiter stopped me on my way out of the ladies room. "Amiga, you need water?" he said. The stark white face and stumbling must have blown my cover.

In the mean time, my father (who we lovingly refer to as Hollywood) is being treated like Mexican royalty. Drinks are coming left and right followed with prompt service from all wait staff. To top it off...a photograph of my father wearing a red velvet sombrero while giving double peace signs is placed on the entrance wall. We haven't quite figured out how or why people think he is some sort of celebrity, but they do? I think if he would have grown up in L.A. he would totally be on T.V.! Something funny, not any weird game show host or anything.

We retire to the gravel parking lot where my sisters violate a stone donkey statue that is donning plastic sunglasses. We stop for a few family pictures. We must get it from my father, Hollywood, because we all love the paparazzi!

As we are driving home (with sober drivers of course) we pull into that family bonfire we passed a few hours and a few cocktails ago. We step out of car; reunite with our long lost friends. I say seems like it has been "forever" since last time we saw one another. Literally.

The Party became a bit less funny and a bit more uncomfortable (physically and emotionally) when I accidentally tripped over an old water pump that was sticking out of the grass covered ground. It bounced from left and right as every attending eye glared at me. As if violating their privacy wasn’t uncomfortable enough, I was unintentionally vandalizing their yard decor. "Ooops!” I giggled.

We fashionably exited the Soirée soon after that. On the way home, as we traveled down the same winding road I sat in the front seat of my mother's SUV. I however was in some serious need of fresh air and a window seat. Suddenly out of the back of the SUV someone yells "Chinese Fire Drill!" The brakes slam, doors open and my entire family is running around the car while passers by look at us in utter confusion.

It was at this point in the evening that I realized how fun my family is! I am so thankful for the freedom to laugh out loud.

The moral of this little ditty? Be yourself. Be courageous. Have fun. Realize you are never too old, too busy, or too cool to be a Great Goofball.

A grave stone reads two dates; but what really matters are the stories and laughs represented by the little dash in between them.